A badass life

"You deserve a badass life. You are allowed to create joy. At any weight. At any age. No matter how you feel you’ve “screwed up” in the past. You are always granted your ability to RISE UP." Yes! This struck a chord with me today. As a nutrition counselor, coach, "therapist," I often wonder how much is too much to share, and how much is too little. But I also feel that it's important to share my humanity. It's important that I not hide behind my own fears and frustration and insecurities, if I'm going to ask that you don't hide behind yours. I work with many middle-aged and older women who are open, honest, and real with me, who deserve the same in return. So, I'll share that this quote, in this article (in the beautiful Mantra Magazine, by the equally beautiful Sarah Sapora), really resonated with me today. I'm turning 50 in a couple of months. Not "old," really--yet I'm already a widow, I've had a hysterectomy due to health challenges, I have arthritis, and I struggle to remember feeling youthful. I find myself waking up in the morning and hurting before I even get out of bed (is Sarah sure I am granted the ability to rise up?! I'm not sure I have the ability to even get up!), stretching to prepare my joints before my feet hit the floor, still tired from my perimenopausal fragmented sleep. Walking into the bathroom and seeing dull skin with perimenopausal acne that is worse than anything I ever had as a teen, wrinkles (no! laugh lines!), and the beginnings of a sagging jawline. Looking down, seeing other parts of my body sagging more than my jawline...lumps and bumps that never used to be there...a thicker waist...cellulite...crepe-like skin. Weighing myself and feeling a hint of grief at my lack of appreciation for the body that was 20 lbs lighter and moved with much more fluidity and ease only a couple of years ago. (Why didn't I celebrate her?!) I look at the calendar, preparing for the week of hormone headaches I've never had before but can't escape now, wondering if I should start the day with pain medication. I decide to take a walk in my neighborhood instead of on the trail, because my perimenopausal bladder wants to be closer to home these days. I long for my old morning walks with friends, but I never know whether my body will feel up to it these days, or how long it will take for my body to be ready to go out, so I don't make those walking dates any more. I do enjoy the early morning quiet with my dogs...until my middle-aged mind begins to review my life so far, and I find myself dwelling on the dumb decisions I've made in my life and the people I've hurt along the way and the things I wish I'd done differently over the years.

I listened to a podcast a few days ago, and the author talked about us being 2/3 of the way through our life at this point. At 50?! My grandmothers are 93 and 97...so I think I'm probably more like 1/2 of the way through my life. That means I get to do this all over again. The first half was hard...many challenges, much loss. But I get to do this all over again. And as Sarah reminded me, I deserve a badass life. I am allowed to create joy. At any weight. At any age. (At MY age!). I was already getting better at this since my husband died. Because really...how much worse can things be than that? It's all gravy now. And living through a pandemic is giving me even more practice--I find myself excitedly embracing the beauty of the rainbow (this rainbow!) visible in the water of the sprinkler in my garden, and actually believing that this is enough. I'm happy. But I'm going to continue reaching for badass...because, why not? Badass sounds SO much more fun than happy. I'm scheduling my appointment with my physician, asking for hormone help, addressing my aches and pains and frustrations and fears with medicine and nutrition and exercise and love, just as I ask you to when you work with me. I love my life...but I'm not settling. If you are also considering your own healing journey to a badass life, let's RISE UP together!